Really?

June 9, 2008

I was recently browsing some sites on December 21, 2012. Heck of a lot of conspiracy of what happens then. People are saying the world is going to end. But really? This is something they say about what’s going to happen.

Elsewhere in the Solar System

On Europa, the ice moon of Jupiter, the sentient cephalopods wait patiently. These luminescent cuttlefish tell their ancient stories through the patterns of light on their bodies. Theirs is a very complex non-liner language totally incomprehensible to we sentient simians. They know that soon the atmosphere of Jupiter will clear. Europa and her three sisters will be bathed in a gentle infrared glow. The ice will melt and they will see the stars from which they came.

At Saturn the rings, which are the debris of a brutal assault on the solar system, will be collected and returned to the asteroid belt. Pluto will also be returned to its orbit between Mars and Jupiter. Tiamat will be reassemble and rehyrtated from the Ort Cloud. Mars and Venus will also be rehydrated and all orbits brought back into harmony.

So Jupiter will no longer be a gas planet? And Pluto was originally an asteroid? I’m sorry, but this is absolute BULLSHIT. Pluto is from the Kuiper Belt! NOT the Asteroid Belt! Jupiter is NOT going to suddenly have all the gas go away! It’s like the people find the sketchiest scientific findings, and stick em together to support a ridiculous claim! NOWHERE does the Bible say “Hey! The worlds ends on this day, here’s what happens, and there ya go!” NO! I’m sorry, but it’s ridiculous that people even believe this! It’s not “Oh! Wow! This is real! I have such a small brain, that people with SMALLER brains can think for me!”

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A flying toilet?

May 8, 2008

I realize that most of my posts recently have been rants. Time to remedy that with a list of things to do if something that never happens happens.

IF YOUR TOILET STARTS TO FLY:

Take your rifle. Shoot it. Cook it, and you shall have fresh roasted toilet for dinner. Which would taste like crap. Literally.

IF YOUR SHIRT SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUSTS

Run around wildly, waving your arms in circles, until someone notices and gets a fire extinguisher. Or you could endure the pain to take it off. Or let it fall off…

IF YOU START TO FLY:

Not in an airplane. Keep flying, and then think of how you did, and then tell me. And then go in a headfirst dive at the ground, and pull up at the last second. You should land lightly on your feet. If not, bye.

IF YOUR PEN/PENCIL COMES TO LIFE AND TRIES TO STAB YOU:

Take anything nearby that you can throw, (pillows work nicely) and throw it at the pen/pencil. This should knock it over, and it can only roll at you now. If it has a clip, problem solved, it’ll stop rolling, but approach with caution. If it has no clip, jump at it and land on it when it is rolling. Then (for both cases) grab it carefully, and toss it into your homemade incinerator. Or just snap it in half.

IF YOUR EYES IMPLODE:

Do as Paul in Dune. See without eyes! And if you can’t do that, ask someone to direct you to the nearest desert so you can walk off into it majestically. And then a sand worm eats you.

IF YOUR HOUSE IMPLODES:

Find a passageway, and DO NOT attempt to widen it. If you disturb an important bit, it’ll smash down around you, and most likely kill you. Crawl very carefully through this passageway, provided it is going outward. If you can see a point of light, go to that. Unless it’s nighttime. Then go away from that. You should eventually reach something that should lead outside to the zombie uprising.

IF YOU ARE ATTACKED BY THE HOMO MORTUUS:

A zombie. Take your shotgun (it’s America. Everyone has one. If you don’t, don’t whine to me. I am set for the imminent zombie uprising) and shoot its HEAD. Shooting the body will not do anything. You MUST AIM FOR THE HEAD. With its nervous system in pieces, it should die. Run to a countryside. People in cities will not survive.

IF YOU ARE FORCED TO LOOK SMART:

Act like you know at least something. If not, act smart. Say things that make you seem smart, but actually everyone knows. USE BIG WORDS OFTEN.

IF YOUR HEAD EXPLODES:

You’re dead. Your head exploded. Even I, in my infinite wisdom, cannot help you.

IF YOU DIE:

Hope you didn’t give anything in your will to the person who killed you.

IF YOU GET FROZEN:

Don’t panic. In fact, don’t move. Just sit there, frozen, until a nice person with a flamethrower warms you a up a bit.

IF YOU ARE BURNED WITH A FLAMETHROWER:

Scream wildly, and if you can, jump off something for dramatic effect before dying.

IF YOU READ THIS LIST AND LIKE IT:

Comment on it, saying “I like this post.”

IF YOU ARE CHUCK NORRIS’D:

Sorry. No can do there. See, Chuck Norris is just too awesome for you.

Outrageous Theory Thursday!

January 18, 2008

I’m starting a new thing. Every (or close to every) Thursday, I’ll have an outrageous theory for people to debate. First off the press is Deal or No Deal temporal warp thingys. Seriously. They have to be withholding information about that. I was saw one last night, where the contestant had 7 cases with one million dollars inside. When there were 10 cases left, none of the millions were on the board. They have to have a warp thingy. Think about it. Really. I don’t even think someone has won a million yet!

Idiocy on the Internet

January 16, 2008

Has no one else noticed that idiots are everywhere on the internet? Typing “U” instead of “You” DOESN’T SAVE MORE THAN A SECOND! Take the time to learn the language you’re butchering. Also, you can’t be “1337” unless you ACTUALLY KNOW HOW TO DO SOMETHING WITH COMPUTERS! Installing and running crap doesn’t count. In MMOs, saying “cc plz” is just idiotic, and unless the other person is also and idiot, (unfortunately, there are too many of them) they’re not going to do crap. xkcd has the right idea, as well as stupidfilter. They are writing programs to block these idiots in front of keyboards from befouling our precious space, that we know as the Internet. It’s not there just to say “lol” and have that be your ENTIRE library of forum posts. People don’t need to know you laughed. If you really want them to know, comment it. Don’t waste the space with a whole post. Keep it RELEVANT! People on a thread about Douglas Adams don’t want to know about Monty Python. Also, take the time to actually think of a NAME! Don’t use random letters. Don’t use random numbers. Don’t tack numbers onto a taken name to make it yours. Being “someone1876” isn’t cool. TAKE THE TIME TO CREATE ORIGINAL NAMES! Here’s more of it. If you feel like being stupid on the internet, don’t go around and screw up Wikipedia. Most of that is right. Idiots screw it up and say George Washington blew up Iran with a nuke. People with no minds also decide to go and repeat ANYTHING they think is funny. SAYING THE SAME QUOTE FROM FAMILY GUY FIVE MILLION TIMES ISN’T FUNNY! I mean, really! It’s funny the first few times, but twenty more? Not necessary. And as a general rule of thumb, people saying they are l33t, (or 1337 as earlier in the post) aren’t. People who take games like WoW seriously, are also idiots. It’s a GAME. It doesn’t deserve a shrine. Sure, maybe your night elf just got level 70. No one really cares outside of the game. Spend your time on something else, like modding your computer. Make it even better than it needs to be. Seriously. More rants later. I think. Most likely, there will be. And hopefully they will be better than this one. If not, I’m doing something wrong. (first post over 400 words!)

I have finally legitimately beaten someone in pool, the way where the other person doesn’t scratch on the 8-ball. Also, I have included the xkcd map of online communities for your viewing pleasure.

xkcd Online Communities

Duct tape is great. A simple Google search tells you that you can make an infinite array of things with it, and generally you’d still have a roll left to hold things together. So far, I’ve seen a duct tape wallet, a duct tape hat, a duct tape jacket, a duct tape bowl, and even a duct tape iPod case. It’s sort of like building blocks, but easier to work with. And if you happen to be running out of duct tape, then you can just go to almost any store and buy it. It’s quite possibly the most convenient material ever. Besides food, and stuff like that.

Books.

January 3, 2008

Yes, books. They are on my mind. Specifically, the entire Dune and Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy series. They’re very good. And to the one hit I have, you should read them.