A flying toilet?

May 8, 2008

I realize that most of my posts recently have been rants. Time to remedy that with a list of things to do if something that never happens happens.

IF YOUR TOILET STARTS TO FLY:

Take your rifle. Shoot it. Cook it, and you shall have fresh roasted toilet for dinner. Which would taste like crap. Literally.

IF YOUR SHIRT SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUSTS

Run around wildly, waving your arms in circles, until someone notices and gets a fire extinguisher. Or you could endure the pain to take it off. Or let it fall off…

IF YOU START TO FLY:

Not in an airplane. Keep flying, and then think of how you did, and then tell me. And then go in a headfirst dive at the ground, and pull up at the last second. You should land lightly on your feet. If not, bye.

IF YOUR PEN/PENCIL COMES TO LIFE AND TRIES TO STAB YOU:

Take anything nearby that you can throw, (pillows work nicely) and throw it at the pen/pencil. This should knock it over, and it can only roll at you now. If it has a clip, problem solved, it’ll stop rolling, but approach with caution. If it has no clip, jump at it and land on it when it is rolling. Then (for both cases) grab it carefully, and toss it into your homemade incinerator. Or just snap it in half.

IF YOUR EYES IMPLODE:

Do as Paul in Dune. See without eyes! And if you can’t do that, ask someone to direct you to the nearest desert so you can walk off into it majestically. And then a sand worm eats you.

IF YOUR HOUSE IMPLODES:

Find a passageway, and DO NOT attempt to widen it. If you disturb an important bit, it’ll smash down around you, and most likely kill you. Crawl very carefully through this passageway, provided it is going outward. If you can see a point of light, go to that. Unless it’s nighttime. Then go away from that. You should eventually reach something that should lead outside to the zombie uprising.

IF YOU ARE ATTACKED BY THE HOMO MORTUUS:

A zombie. Take your shotgun (it’s America. Everyone has one. If you don’t, don’t whine to me. I am set for the imminent zombie uprising) and shoot its HEAD. Shooting the body will not do anything. You MUST AIM FOR THE HEAD. With its nervous system in pieces, it should die. Run to a countryside. People in cities will not survive.

IF YOU ARE FORCED TO LOOK SMART:

Act like you know at least something. If not, act smart. Say things that make you seem smart, but actually everyone knows. USE BIG WORDS OFTEN.

IF YOUR HEAD EXPLODES:

You’re dead. Your head exploded. Even I, in my infinite wisdom, cannot help you.

IF YOU DIE:

Hope you didn’t give anything in your will to the person who killed you.

IF YOU GET FROZEN:

Don’t panic. In fact, don’t move. Just sit there, frozen, until a nice person with a flamethrower warms you a up a bit.

IF YOU ARE BURNED WITH A FLAMETHROWER:

Scream wildly, and if you can, jump off something for dramatic effect before dying.

IF YOU READ THIS LIST AND LIKE IT:

Comment on it, saying “I like this post.”

IF YOU ARE CHUCK NORRIS’D:

Sorry. No can do there. See, Chuck Norris is just too awesome for you.

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3 Responses to “A flying toilet?”

  1. ohsnapalison Says:

    Am I allowed to guess your name?

  2. Kirbycurse Says:

    Only if you guess it directly to me, not here on the blag.

  3. ohsnapalison Says:

    I have no idea what you just said. I’m technologically challenged. (Is technologically a word?)


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